I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
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My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.