I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
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4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.