I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
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People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I have many caverns
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Dishonest mechanic?
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
wtf is a larm clock?
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”