I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
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[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
went fishing caught a bass
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Simple
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.