Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

What’s so funny?

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.