I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
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*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
This made me smile…
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!