I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
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ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
wait a minute….
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign