I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
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As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
any last words?
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.