I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
You Might Also Like
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.