I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
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On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
#NoRestForTheWicked
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again