Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

No, I don’t think I will.

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

sugar glider wrangler

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*