I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
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Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.