I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
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[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
People buying plungers never look happy.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
lumberjacks will cut a birch
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Dumple
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣