Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

Here
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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.