Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”