I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
sir, my pâté if you please
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Fluff me with a fork baby
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
My Guy
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door