Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.