Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

Day 4. They suspect nothing.