Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive