I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
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I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed