Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.