I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
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It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.