I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
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Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.