I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
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JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.