I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
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My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
What kind of a cult is this?
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.