Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

Butt weight. There’s more!

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.