I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Feels like the fourth month in January
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!