Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

ㅤ

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.