I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
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I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
The photographer’s assistant
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod