i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
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*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.