Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it