Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.