Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

This one never gets the credit it deserves

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.