Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

…

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

an octopus is just a wet spider

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

hmmmmmm

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??