I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
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[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules