Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

The human personality is made of five key elements

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

<- sleeps well with others