Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

Does it…does it take 3 days

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever