I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
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I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.