Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?