Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

[2am]

wife: where in the hell have you been

me: well the boys and i were at the club-

my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*

me: leonard my god no not right now

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

Erm…

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.