Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.

Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.

Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

titanic

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.