Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.