Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

Please enter new password

Me: Candy123

Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password

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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$u

Me: Candy123!

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.