Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian