Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends