I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
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Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
I need to get some bricks…
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.