Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

My therapist after every session

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.