I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
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I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.