I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
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A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.