I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
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Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
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A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Tough love is true love
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
A Monday every week is excessive
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.