Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

trivia

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open