Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue