I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
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When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
emergency phone
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I feel attacked.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.