I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
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Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Go hard or stay average
this is how life feels
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Do one thing every day that scares people.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
a New Yorker reject, for you
