I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
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HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
i think we should see other cousins
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.