*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
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If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
If the cure for AIDS could get you high, we’d figure it out in about a week.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason