I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I’m still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.

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can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
“am or pm?”


Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.


Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.


The first thing they teach you in AA is to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.


Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID


After Paris my Airbnb host tried to say I stained her sheets & headboard w/ hair dye, but the gag is I don’t wear hair to bed.


Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.