@murrman5
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
@DaHess1
I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I’m still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.
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@murrman5
@legsandsass
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
@CulturedRuffian
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
@Darlainky
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
@hansabumsadaisy
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
@skullpuppy11
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
@philEfanaddict
The first thing they teach you in AA is to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
@wokkax3
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
@CrazyClarine
After Paris my Airbnb host tried to say I stained her sheets & headboard w/ hair dye, but the gag is I don’t wear hair to bed.
@FattMernandez
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.