I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
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COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses