Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you