I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
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6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
oh my god
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
iPhone X
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Same post same
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”