Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*