Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

Cats (2019)

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

shakira sharkira

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.