I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
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*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
is nasa ok
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles