Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

sigh

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

Webb. James Webb.

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

Ion see the issue

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!