Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

Social Media and Real life

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.