Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

🤣🤣

Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down