Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not