I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
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The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something