Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

how many bears make up a bear minimum

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun