I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
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If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
They got Raph!
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”