‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
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True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.