Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”