Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
You Might Also Like
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
rapatouille
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.