@TheMichaelRock

I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.

You Might Also Like

@AudreyPorne

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

@anildash

Eventually one of these Republican congressmen is going to find out his daughter is a woman, and then we’re all set.

@itcorru

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

@RunwayDan

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

@FattMernandez

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

@ThatsSoCorri

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

@CrockettForReal

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*