I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
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I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.