Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.