Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.