I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
You Might Also Like
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Holy shit he’s back
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
The photographer’s assistant
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Covert ops
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background