I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
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How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
Today’s Times
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Smile they said.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle