Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

when someone compliments me

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.