I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
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4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.