Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink