Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

I feel this so hard