I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
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you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee