I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
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I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.