@LeonEarlgrey: I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
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@TheTweetOfGod: Distant galaxies are speeding away from the Milky Way at an ever-accelerating velocity just to get the hell away from you.
@mrnickharvey: Son: What are caterpillars afraid of? Me: It's unlikely that they experience fear. They're not self-aware, so... Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
@jonnysun: ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!! ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
@Browtweaten: Wife: You're not using the instructions to build the bookcase? Husband: Nope, I'm doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*