@LeonEarlgrey

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

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@Mom_Overboard

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

@apowerfulbird

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: because the police force is designed to protect the wealthy

cop: there’s a man in your trunk

me: yea a rich man

@TheTweetOfGod

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. Shut up, is basically what I’m saying.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”TayTayJustine”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3464513650/8434f29ff782c7cf7b8a53156d6198f0_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”324575973150453761″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”62″;s:5:”tweet”;s:139:”Shouldn’t’ve left me alone w/your no-eyebrow-havin baby.

*Pulls out Sharpie*
*Squiggles on a surprised look*

See! She’s happy to see you.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@amishschool

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

@playneck

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

@badbanana

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

@Nickadoo

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.