@LeonEarlgrey: I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
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@BraandoCommando: [reading of my fathers will] Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as- Me: heh, bequeath Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’ Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he? Lawyer: no, he just knew
@JordyHamrick: Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.
@SteveKoehler22: Canadian cattle can now legally graze on cannabis plants. The steaks have never been higher.